Knowing One’s Neighbours
BARRISTER (speaking to a witness): I want you to tell me the truth and only the truth, for everything is of importance. How far were you standing from the place of the accidence?
WITNESS (without a moment’s hesitation): Just four yards, two feet and six inches.
BARRISTER (slightly taken aback): I’d like you to tell me how you managed to be so exact.
WITNESS: Well, I expected some fool to put this question and I thought it fit to measure the distance.
The Best Ways
Once two young teachers had a heated argument on the best ways of bringing up children. They were walking along the corridor when they saw two boys approaching and heard one of them say: “Sometimes my granny makes me feel like cutting her t’roat.” At once one of the teachers stopped the boy and looking him sternly in the face said: “I expect my pupils to know that the word is not ‘t’roat’ but ‘throat’.”
A Cheap Secret
YOUNG JOHN: I saw you kissing my sister, Mr. Brown. Would you like me to keep silent on the subject?
MR. BROWN: Certainly, my boy! Here is a sixpence. And I expect you to keep it a secret.
YOUNG JOHN: A sixpence? Do you really mean I have to keep it a secret for sixpence? I got two shillings for not telling I saw Mr. Jones kissing her.
A Vain Threat
SMITH: Mr. Brown, I want you to know that I owe you a grudge.
BROWN: Well, I don’t mind it. I am not in the least afraid of it for I have never heard you pay your debts.
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